Coping with Sleep Deprivation
Sleep deprivation nearly broke me.
“Sleep when the baby sleeps” advice made me feel like a failure when I could not nap during the day. Newborns might nap for anywhere from 2 hours to 15 minutes! Most adults can't fall asleep on command, especially if they have an unknown amount of time to rest, and likely have a number of other needs that need tending to now that the baby is down--to pee, eat, play with another child, or just enjoy a few quiet minutes. For these reasons, I just could not fall asleep during the day.
Nights were even harder. I can’t bear another night of not sleeping. Is the baby awake, AGAIN? Will I ever sleep?
I started to dread nighttime. My body so badly wanted rest, but not knowing what to expect, how much sleep I would get, how many times my baby would wake...was so anxiety-provoking. If you feel this way, you are not alone.
This is not a blog post about helping your newborn sleep. There are lots of those.
Instead, I want to talk about how to cope as parents. You may be feeling a level of sleep deprivation and fogginess that sinks into your bones and makes it hard to focus on anything else. You may feel frustrated, or even angry, when your baby wakes up, AGAIN, or when you try but just cannot calm your brain for a midday nap even though you desperately need rest.
Did you know that being chronically sleep deprived is very similar to being drunk? It is a very real impairment. And yes, it is a given if you have a baby, especially a newborn. But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, and we don’t talk about it enough.
You deserve rest. You NEED it. And I’m going to share with you my best doula tips for getting more of it.
Protected Sleep
One of the reasons sleeping with a newborn is challenging is that...you don’t know when they’ll wake up. You are sleeping with one ear open for their cries. Here’s where protected sleep comes in.
Here’s how it works: Feed your baby, then hand them over to a trusted caregiver (your partner, your postpartum doula, your mom, etc.) with strict instructions not to disturb you for at least 2 hours (if you are breastfeeding, until the next feeding). As soon as you hand that baby off, retreat to a quiet room with a comfortable bed. Close the blinds. Turn on a fan or white noise machine. Pop in some ear plugs and put on an eye mask. Rest. You can do this during the day for a nap, or overnight.
Protected sleep feels infinitely more restorative because you are not listening out for cries while you rest. It is one of my favorite ways to support new parents as a postpartum doula.
Night Shifts
Split the night into two shifts with your partner. This approach works best if you have a separate sleep space in your house, like a guest room or a very comfortable couch. For half the night, you are on “baby duty”--you respond to cries, feed the baby, change their diaper. For the other half, your job is to sleep. If you are breastfeeding, your partner can bring the baby to you for feeds but will take on everything else so you can get back to sleep faster.
Early Bedtime
Once your baby stops becoming a night owl and goes to bed earlier (typically around 3 months), I know it is SO tempting to stay up late to enjoy some grownup time. But most babies’ first stretch of sleep is their longest. If your baby sleeps from 8pm-12am, and you stay up until 11pm, you are not benefiting from that longer stretch. Going to bed early maximizes your opportunity for overnight rest. If you can’t manage to do that every night (I get it!), try every other night, or even just twice a week.
Dream Feed
This one works well if your baby has settled into an earlier bedtime. Put your baby down at their usual time. When you go to bed a little later, try feeding your sleepy baby without fully waking them up. For some babies, this will extend their first stretch of sleep a bit.
Intentional Rest
If you just can’t nap during the day, this is for you.
Resting your body counts, even if you don’t fall asleep. I know it can be frustrating when you have the opportunity to sleep but your body just won’t cooperate. Please don’t give up on rest, though. Do not try to power through. Lie down in a dark, quiet room. Read a book. Listen to a guided meditation like a Yoga Nidra. Your body will benefit from whatever kind of rest is available to you, I promise.
When in doubt...enlist help from a postpartum doula.
Helping new parents rest is one of my favorite ways to support families. Arrive Postpartum Doula is here for you, ready to hold your baby while you nap. A free 20-minute consult is just a phone call or email away. I can also help you better understand typical newborn sleep patterns, and help you troubleshoot bedtime and nap routines.
***Insomnia or being unable to rest during the day can be signs of a postpartum mood disorder. If your sleep troubles are persistent, or accompanied by low mood or racing thoughts, or if you just don’t feel like yourself—please don’t hesitate to get help from a licensed mental health or medical professional. Postpartum Support International is a wonderful resource for quick support and resource references.
