Finding space as a new mom
The early days, months, weeks, years of parenthood are filled with contrasts. We experience some of the sweetest moments we’ve ever known--holding our baby for the first time, feeling the weight of their small body resting on our chest, celebrating first smiles, first steps, first words.
At the same time, the demands on you as a caregiver--your body, your time, your attention and energy--can feel relentless. In the first few months especially, it can feel impossible to find space for yourself. It can be difficult to go to the bathroom alone, much less take a shower, a nap, read a book, or simply have a complete thought without interruption.
But you need space, to take a deep breath, to be in your body, to think your thoughts, to connect to the outside world, to access the resources and patience needed to greet the challenges of parenthood with grace.
But how?
7 ways to find space when you are parenting young children.
1. Listen to a podcast or audiobook while you care for your baby and/or do household tasks.
One of the hardest things about parenting is simultaneously feeling isolated from other adults while also overwhelmed and overstimulated by our baby’s needs, and also...bored! (Yes, I said it, young kids can be boring!). Listening to content you find entertaining, or engaging, or funny, can help you feel connected to your adult self and the world, without the “zone-out” response that TV can have. (Zoning out is fine! TV is fine! But sometimes it doesn’t feel as connecting or stimulating, and if you have an older kid your favorite shows may not be appropriate).
2. Save your baby’s naps for YOU, not cleaning
If you have a baby who will nap on their own, it is so tempting to use that time to “get things done”. We tell ourselves, “I can relax AFTER I put away the dishes/prep dinner/fold the laundry”--but so often, by the time we’ve finished our work, our baby wakes up. What if, for at least one nap per day, you used that time JUST FOR YOU? To take a nap? Watch your favorite sitcom? Take a hot shower? Lay on the couch and stare out the window?
3. Go for a drive
This is especially useful for those annoying 3rd/4th late afternoon naps that can often be hard to get. Put your baby in their carseat, turn on your favorite music or a podcast, and drive. Treat yourself to a drive-thru coffee, or bring a cold seltzer or iced tea and a snack. Enjoy a mini vacation as your baby is safe, quiet, and not asking for anything from you.
4. Go for a walk
Same principles as going for a drive--you get your body and your thoughts to yourself while your baby is contained, safe, and entertained by the sights and sounds around them.
5.) Create an evening alone-time ritual
The evening hours with young babies can be so hard. Everyone’s tired and cranky. If you are on maternity leave, you are probably tapped out by 5pm. Get into a practice of handing off your baby to your partner as soon as they get home or finish work, and take 20 minutes for yourself. Take a walk alone, take a bath or shower, sit in the backyard, sit alone in your car even! The key is to do it every night, so that it becomes a ritual for all of you, something you can look forward to on long days, and something your partner knows to expect.
6.) Set the stage for independent play
This last tip requires some short-term work for long-term success.
Your child’s ability to play in a self-directed, independent way is likely to be one of your biggest obstacles to having space for yourself as a parent. Set the stage for your baby to play independently by creating a “yes space”--an area in your home (or outside!) where they can safely play without your assistance. This could include a mat or blanket, physical barriers like a baby gate if they are mobile, and a small number of simple, open-ended toys. Get your baby used to playing independently, without your intervention or constant feedback, for short amounts of time. You can slowly build up, from 2-3 minutes, to 5, 10, 30!
What your setup might look like depends on your baby’s age! Janet Lansbury has written extensively on this topic and covers it in multiple podcast episodes. She is a great resource. Here are some posts and one podcast to get you started:
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/08/play-space-inspiration/
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/08/outdoor-play-spaces/
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/08/play-space-inspiration/
7. Find outside support
I write this during the COVID-19 pandemic, a time when in-person support is unavailable or limited for many parents. While you may not be able to hire a postpartum doula for a home visit or go to a newborn parenting class in person, virtual support is increasingly available! In Portland, Maine, there are a number of virtual support groups, both paid and free, where you can connect with other parents and a supportive facilitator.
You could also hire a postpartum doula for virtual support. Most doulas, myself including, are offering video chats in lieu of in-person visits right now. These calls can help you put down the mental load of trying to figure your newborn care challenges through googling, texting all your mom friends, or searching baby books. There is a simpler way. Talk to a calm, skilled, and well-resourced postpartum doula instead and get the emotional support you need.
If you are curious, please reach out for a free 15-20 minute phone consult!
